I don’t have anybody to tell -to truly tell- how proud I am of myself.

This is not a sad post.

A quickie

It's been a while. I have to write to fix the mess. This kind of mess where you tell yourself even-though it's messy, I know where everything is, but you know you don't, you know it's just a mess.

I can't believe I even managed to log in here. I am not as helpless as I was anymore. far from it. And I am so grateful. I always had this belief that one day the things I know, the things I worked to understand would feel right. I've always been thinking, and because of that I gathered almost all what I needed to know to function like I want but it never felt right. and that's been iluding me for years and years. Now that `I have the pieces of the puzzle how can I make everything fall into place. it never felt right, it used to break me.

I understand now, you have to have faith. layers and layers of faith. take risks. accept your progress. adapt. be kind to yourself. all of these and way more were some of the notions I collected over the years. I understood what people mean by them but could never fit them quite right in my life. but now I do.

I am closer than ever and so so far. I understand without a doubt that everything is and isn't. that things are black and white and at the same time all grey. and that all concepts are right but so are their opposites. and that also none of them are right. I am closer than ever but so so far.

I realize that I am - in every meaning of the word - insignificant and that I am the most important thing ever created. I am both constantly right and wrong. I know everything and understand nothing. and that I understand everything but realize nothing.

I have to have constant faith in me without letting myself get deluded by it. and most importantly not lose my mind in the process of finding the balance between the two.

I understand that most probably, I'd not say or create anything someone hadn't already done, and I accept that, but I will think, create and feel things that are new to me till I die.

I used to have so much hate and bitterness. I look at the same things that triggered and still trigger me with a kinder understanding. kinder towards the things, the people who created them and kinder towards me. And I only wish I keep growing in that direction.

I came a long way. my life is that video game that only I know about. it's so subtle and uneventful to any bystander, nobody cares about the plot, nobody cares if I made any progress. But I'll keep playing the shit out of it. not because I have to, because I get to.

I am proud of me, nobody has any idea on what has been happening for years now. I had wars on wars. But, I am finally winning.

This is important, this is a defining moment.

For the first time in my life I have some clarity about what has been tormenting me for years.

   And, the significance for it comes from subtle reasons, and subtlety has always been something I rely on in anything I believe in.

   It's not fully grasped, this clarity, and I'm grateful for that because once I have a full understanding of it I'd start to deconstruct it by overthinking but this way, having this vague certainty to lead me, feels finally right and god only knows how I've never felt right.

    I had it a couple of weeks before my all time favorite actor Jim Carey delivers it in almost the same wording which is significant to me, those little signs save you sometimes.

    All I have to do is nurture the epiphany lightly so it wouldn't dissolve into nothing while gently guide it, or maybe just allow it to take over my tired mind and soul.

Every Planet We Reach Is Dead

A couple of years back I tweeted that one of my fears was going to a Gorillaz concert without someone special.
It was all hypothetical, back then I didn't have the luxury of imagining being in one.

Well, two days ago I was in one, fan pit, first row, in the center exactly.

Alone.

The concert was amazing, almost flawless. And, for a while, I convinced myself that the whole being alone there was not bad at all and I'm finally self sufficient enough not to need anybody to do what I love.

But, in all honesty, I don't have a definite answer whether I enjoyed being alone there or wished I had someone.

That's what I don't really like about things, you never really have a definite answer for anything important.


On a side note, the setlist didn't have my favourite song, Every planet we reached is dead. But they played it, with an amazing twist.

Told you it was almost flawless.


Every planet we reach is dead

I wish I had the courage to be me.
I wish I had the courage to tell you off.
I wish I had the courage to tell you that I hate your game.
I wish I had the courage to tell you that I hate myself for playing it.
I wish I had the courage to tell you that I hate myself.
I wish I had the courage to accept hating myself.
I wish I had the courage to hate myself lovingly.

fuck it

AS I stood there between the train wagons smoking a cigarette I thought I'd enjoy even though I knew it'd only make me feel worse, I kept thinking about those three guys sitting next to me stealing my wallet from my bag though it has no money in it and I kept thinking how I'd deal with that then instead of enjoying the song I convinced myself it'd go well with the cigarette.
And to quote Holden here, 
"It didn't exactly depress me to think about it, but it didn't make me feel gay as hell either."

I keep having this thought of her.
All fed up, worked up, exhausted and emotional to the extent of clarity.
We were running and there was a feel of chaos around us, I don't know what we were running from. But she stopped, grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and pushed me against a wall staring into me, she said;
"I want you to think well before you answer" (like she has no mind for bullshit. like she was just tired of it all. like she new what she wants) "Are you mine?" She asked.

And, I was so happy that every cell of me answered yes.
Except my lips.