because, I get tired of searching.

I dream of the day when they'll invent a device, wireless earphones one can put on and they study you, I mean all of your thoughts, demons, experiences, anxieties and aspirations, and get to know you like no-one else does, and update themselves with every change in your life, and when you turn them on they play the perfect most relevant song to you at that time, this way we would always get that sweet fucked-upness listening to the perfect song, every-single-time we turn them on.

Grandma's mirror.

I remember vividly when i was really young , a kid , i was at my grandma's i was staring at the mirror and she told me "stop it , people who stare at mirrors go mad eventually".

Well , i turned out to be mad already but i wonder , was it beacuse i didn't listen to her and kept staring at mirrors every time i see one or is it the other way around ! , that people who were already born mad stare at mirrors and people like grandma got it backwards!

At night.

when we were kids we were absolutely clueless about the other half of the day , the half when all the things we wonder about and dream about truely exist , the half we knew exists but weren't allowed to witness cuz we were just too young & immature to comprehend all the awesomness of it as if we were allowed to we would be overwhelmed and die instantly , um talking about the mysterious magical "NIGHT".

When i did wake up in the middle of the night i remeber getting overwhelmed and excited beyound expressions i used to be like " Wow , i am there now ....the forbidden kingdom ! um where the gigantic adults show their true beings and discuss cosmic issues , where they go through every detail of what i had done all-day which i was naive enough to think that they didn't notice , but apparently they did other wise why would they be awake now and talking ! , when also everything gets a break from being still and stop pretending to be lifeless , yes , chairs , tables , bags shoes you name it flicker back to life , say and do whatever they've been really wanting to all-day long but couldn't .doing what they crave doing instead of the lame-ass purposes they were supposedly made for"

And i remeber being cautious , very cautious not to witness too much , cuz i believed that there was a reason why we shouldn't , so i close my eyes and go back to sleep feeling both happy & proud that i get a glimpse of it and childishly relieved that i made it back in one piece and wasn't torn up by the night's awesomness.

I miss that !, i miss being clueless ! , about things that make life exciting things that give us reasons to anticipate and look forward.

Now, that the mystery about the night has gone , um going to find other overwhelming things to look forward to , i am going to search for reasons to be grateful and understanding , things that would make me embrace life and find inner-peace.

Cuz if The mystical night has shown it's true colours , there are plenty of colours left still to see.

Cheerer-uppers.

It's always the small things that cheer me up or bring me down. And here are some of my little cheerer-uppers.

- Polite kids.
- A smile from a stranger.
- Waking up to the sound of rain.
- Rain.
- A good hair day.
- I came across a random post on facebook with 72 likes and 72 comments, it cheered me up and i dunno why.
- The first usage of a towel after it's been washed.
- The look on somebody's face when s/he realizes that i understand.
- Twin girls.
- Grace.
- Random beautiful women on the street.
- You.
- Artistic lighting.
- The part in a book when i know the reason behind the title.
- When um drawing and the drawing starts to take shape and make sense.
- When the drawing is finished yet doesn't make any sense.
- Flirting.
- An original conversation .(my fav.).
- The right song at the right moment.
- hugs.
- mugs.

That's All.

Women Kill Me

I love'em
with wide animated faces
with cute slightly, big noses
with a good taste in music
with a good sense of humor
with them pearly teeth
with tall elegant necks
with broad shoulders
with thick eye brows
with them killer black eyes
with issues.

& I love'em
graceful
tomboyish
strong & needy
sporty
tall & leggy
biased & wise
skinny
big
shy & confident
spontaneous & self-conscious.


And, I adore'em
when they do that little spin around that spins your world around
when they shake your extended fist instead of bumping it
when they drink the foamy face of your cappuccino with their straw
when they say your name...just simply your name
when the fight not to conform
when they sock you on the arm
when they laugh their hearts out in the middle of the street
lama ykono mtartasheen
when they are being themselves and not giving a fine fuck
when they race you around the streets
when they do that thing, moving away a strayed strand of hair behind their ears...this kills me
when they get out of their ride home just to finish a conversation, even thu they were late
when their text msg brings u back to life
when they love you
when they are too good for you
& when they give up on you
....wanna say when they come back around and we live happily ever after...but, hey! c'est la vie!

See, Women kill me....they fascinate me

                                            But, I can't live with'em
                                                           And,I can't live without'em!

that other thing

i really know about two things , the first thing is art it comes to me naturally , it makes me feel happy , sane , in control & rather peaceful . not like the anxiety and angst i feel on contemplating on the other thing that i know also to well...i think i do at least...but to be honest i don't know what to call it & um not even sure i know anything about it in the first place cuz the more i know about it the more um sure that i know absolutely nothing !


But it's all i do all day long...and it's what has total control of me...it brings me down & cheers me up ,  it control my actions and reactions , it fucks everything up on purpose and then justifies and explains why was it all for my own good and well being , it manipulates me and yet makes me end up believing that it was all me ..that i was in control and knew what was going on from the begining.

i can't  explain it !
it doesn't allow me to explain it & yet it stands right here vividly , right in the middle of my mind...right now as um writing actually...dominating my thoughts & mocking my weakness , promising me that it's gonna make everything better for me just as soon as i stop typing and give up this "pathetic" attempt to tell on her....yes, it's a her....i don't know why !

i guess if i had to name it , i'll call it chasing wisdom...but i guess y'all know by now that i could be gravely delusional and misleaded....by her...by that other thing.

My favorite playlist

- The first song of the day.

- The song that sounds better in your head.

- The song you discover in it new hidden tunes every time you listen to it that it just about drives you crazy.

- Songs with a woman's name in it's tittle :-
Arlandria by foo fighters , Sydney by puddle of mudd , Anne by james blunt , dear prudence by the beatles.......

- The song that comes out of the blue and forcefully makes you pull a bass face , forget where you are , whom you're with and just think to yourself "uhh"

- The song you already like suddenly making perfect sense.

- The song you picture yourself dancing to it.

- The song that you can't help but actually start dancing to it.

- The song that you instantly like and you struggle to learn the lyrics asap to sing along.

- The song you have waited patiently to love because it was recommended by someone you like, and when you finally do it's so good that it stops being about that person.

- The song you already adore, listening to it some place new.

- The awesome song at the end of a good movie. The first one, not the second boring one the play with the names of them poor technicians.

- The song recommended by someone you like....and it's actually good.

- The song that kills you.

- The song that brings you back to life.

- The song you save for last.


and here are some songs you'll like...if you have any sense anyway.....

* She by grand avenue
* everybody's gotta learn sometime by Beck
* about her by malcolm maclaren
* mersal l7abebty by massar egbari and ali elhalabawy
* bang bang by nancy sinatra
* baby it's you by smith
* i'm blue by the 5,6,7,8s
* down in mexico by the coasters
* love reign o'er me by the who
* elephants by warpaint
* a beautiful mess by jason mraz
* hit me by the sounds
* rediculous thoughts by the cranberries
* the love you save by joe tex
* come as you are by nirvana
* she fucking hates me by puddle of mudd
* entertaining thoughts by over the rhine
* happiness is a warm gun by the beatles
* Since i've been loving you by led zeppelin

Pretend like it goes naturally !

A : let's play pretend !
B : mmm , no let's not.
A : C'mon !
B : No thank you.
A : but why !
B (sheepishly) : cuz i can't tell when the game is over.

Slippery

even though i know and can enumerate all my flaws and issues perfectly ; i still choose to believe in that only one vague certainty i feel in my guts.

what !!  I've just told you it's vague !