that other thing

i really know about two things , the first thing is art it comes to me naturally , it makes me feel happy , sane , in control & rather peaceful . not like the anxiety and angst i feel on contemplating on the other thing that i know also to well...i think i do at least...but to be honest i don't know what to call it & um not even sure i know anything about it in the first place cuz the more i know about it the more um sure that i know absolutely nothing !


But it's all i do all day long...and it's what has total control of me...it brings me down & cheers me up ,  it control my actions and reactions , it fucks everything up on purpose and then justifies and explains why was it all for my own good and well being , it manipulates me and yet makes me end up believing that it was all me ..that i was in control and knew what was going on from the begining.

i can't  explain it !
it doesn't allow me to explain it & yet it stands right here vividly , right in the middle of my mind...right now as um writing actually...dominating my thoughts & mocking my weakness , promising me that it's gonna make everything better for me just as soon as i stop typing and give up this "pathetic" attempt to tell on her....yes, it's a her....i don't know why !

i guess if i had to name it , i'll call it chasing wisdom...but i guess y'all know by now that i could be gravely delusional and misleaded....by her...by that other thing.