That's a diary kinda thing, you don't have to really read it.

Last year I celebrated my birthday by getting fired.
This year, I am at a not so bad job, I do things I like somehow regularly, I care healthily less and most importantly, I am comfortable in my own skin.

I am grateful for knowing what I am capable of doing and grateful for having what it takes to get it done.

UPdate (May 16, 2016):

On my birthday in 2015 I quit my job (I could be dramatic like that) and decided to move to Dubai job hunting, I spent three tough months there and finally get a good job two days before my visa expired. I am very grateful. 

I am probably the only person who thinks she is truly beautiful.
And, My God, she is.

She's so cool my heart hurts just because I don't really know her.
Judge me and I'll kill you.

I don't know, but if I saw her walking down the streets, my day would be both  made and ruined at the same time.
Because, I am cool with not possessing almost all kinds of beauty, but her, it would hurt watching her move out of my sight.
The "I gotta have her" thought would ruin me. Because, I am not a "I gotta have her" kinda guy.

She's so beautiful she brings out the best of me.
And, she doesn't even know it.

Have you ever loathed yourself so much you genuinely despised people who like you for being pathetic?   

That's why most people freak out when someone shows interest in them, Their self loathing makes them think "There must be something wrong with that person if s/he is showing genuine frank interest in me" And that also makes them feel that the people who treat them like they are inferiors to them are the right ones for them. Because, in their minds those people know better than liking them.  

That's messed up. And, it's one of the reasons why this world is a sad place.

This is not a sad post.

I have only one problem.
An issue or demon if you will.

I am miserably lonely.
Not "Will I find a life partner" lonely.. Existentially lonely.

I can't relate to anything.
And, when I do, it's for few seconds then it's gone leaving me with only the notion that I felt a relation to something moments ago.

Like, I can't even relate to the feeling of relating that was inside of me moments ago.

I am steadily accepting the fact that I am going to die alone, not without people,
But rather without anything that would make my life doesn't seem pointless.

The thing is, I am used to look real hard into every woman to find every bit of her beauty, and I am good at it, too.
But, with you, your beauty is right there in front of me,
So, I just have to look for your ugliness instead.

Am I the only one who believes that I am too important to die a random, unjustified death?
Like I will never die in a car accident or get slaughtered by a burglar?

Like, you are way too valuable, full of dreams that your death should have a prologue.
Like, your existence has a mind of it's own and needs strong logical  reasons to give up and cease.

Well, I do.
And, I feel stupid about it.

In case you are wondering, dear mind, no, I am not happy.

I am reaching out before it's too late..
I am becoming like everybody else.. And, I am liking it.
Help!

I like you because you acknowledge my existence exactly the way I hoped it would be acknowledged.
And, If you knew how I like you, The way I like you, you won't mind if the rest of the world hated you.

..بحب البنات اللى بتجرى زى الولاد
            .. البنات اللى بتحط تقويم
     ..البنات الحلوه بس مش عارفين

بحب البنات اللى انا بس بشوف جمالهم

I am bored and lonely all the time.
I am really good at ignoring that most of the time,

But, it gets really annoying, sometimes.

I was on the bus to Siwa..
A candy man comes along few moments before the bus leaves starts to leave candy on every passenger's lap hoping that some would get tempted & buy some when he goes back to collect them.

     Now he's done with his collecting round, didn't sell any but he is used to it somehow and as he is about to step off the bus he felt like saying "7ad lesa m3ah 7aga ya 7adarat?"-He always does anyway-he already knows the answer, it's always a No. Hell, no-one even cares to answer back.

     So, he is about to step off when a hand suddenly was raised I traced the hand to a young mother with her kid daughter.

     The candy man caught the raised hand with the corner of his eyes and stopped for a second, he went to her, he probably thought she was going to buy some, too. She didn't. She handed the candy back to the candy man, with a look, a look the candy man couldn't possibly understand so he just took the candy and left, he'd probably do the same if he understood the look, too.

I did, though.. She was embarrassed, she had that sheepish, guilty look on her face and, I could just tell she considered stealing the candy for her kid then decided against it eventually.

     One would think.. hope that the candy man would notice and leave the candy, but it'd be too much to expect him to notice in the first place, so he took the candy and left with that "Don't care.. moving on." look that life has it's crocked way of pasting it on the faces of those kind of people.

     One would think that someone would notice and do something about it, but, people never notice anything, anyway..
And, if someone-like me-noticed, he'd probably be too embarrassed to do anything in such situations.

The candy man leaves, leaving the woman to her dark thoughts,
And, leaving me to my even darker thoughts.

P.S.
The only true things about this story is that I was on a bus to Siwa and there was a candy man..
And, my dark thoughts.

There are so many things I want to say..
So many questions I want to ask or at least share..

But, I can't say those things and share my confusion with just anyone..

I have to wait for the right ones..
But, when I do, I lay it all on them, and it's not fair to them..

And, this whole matter is not fair to me.

Women, and to a lesser extent people.
Light, lighting and shadows.
The crap in my head.

The word 'Oblivion' is pretentious..
The word 'Pretentious' is a smug.

The word 'Neat' is gay..
And, the word 'Gay' is kinda neat.

"Fuck you" doesn't serve it's purpose well..
..And, neither does "I love you"

Fuck you.. I love you. yea.

I hate you, because you are the only one who gets to me deep enough to hate her..
I hate you, because you ceased to be a real person and started being a concept.
I hate you, because you are hate-able.

I love you.

I spent a couple of minutes today trying to find out what sounds I like the most,
It wasn't music, no..
Not the voices of people I love or ever loved..

It wasn't even the sound of my beloved silence,

It's much simpler than that..

It's the sound of the rain and the sound of waves crashing on the shore.

I guess, It has something to do with water..

I like water..

If only people were water..

I love you greasy, I love you sweaty and I count the moments to see you at your worst before wanting to see you at your best.
Because, with a face like yours, you can never go wrong.
You always cheer my heart up.
And, I am grateful, no matter what.

7

I know that it will sound stupid, but the fact that 3+4=7 is original. I mean It's kinda obvious that 6+1=7 and even 5+2=7 isn't that shocking. But, when you get to think about it, 3+4=7 you're like .. Awesome.

Me, taking a left

I was doing some errands & while I was walking I took a left around the corner, I found myself very grateful that I’m not one of the people who could only walk straight forward & not able to take a left when they want to. 

Well, I don’t know if such folks exist, but if they do exist .. I’m grateful I’m not one of them.