It's been a while. I have to write to fix the mess. This kind of mess where you tell yourself even-though it's messy, I know where everything is, but you know you don't, you know it's just a mess.
I can't believe I even managed to log in here. I am not as helpless as I was anymore. far from it. And I am so grateful. I always had this belief that one day the things I know, the things I worked to understand would feel right. I've always been thinking, and because of that I gathered almost all what I needed to know to function like I want but it never felt right. and that's been iluding me for years and years. Now that `I have the pieces of the puzzle how can I make everything fall into place. it never felt right, it used to break me.
I understand now, you have to have faith. layers and layers of faith. take risks. accept your progress. adapt. be kind to yourself. all of these and way more were some of the notions I collected over the years. I understood what people mean by them but could never fit them quite right in my life. but now I do.
I am closer than ever and so so far. I understand without a doubt that everything is and isn't. that things are black and white and at the same time all grey. and that all concepts are right but so are their opposites. and that also none of them are right. I am closer than ever but so so far.
I realize that I am - in every meaning of the word - insignificant and that I am the most important thing ever created. I am both constantly right and wrong. I know everything and understand nothing. and that I understand everything but realize nothing.
I have to have constant faith in me without letting myself get deluded by it. and most importantly not lose my mind in the process of finding the balance between the two.
I understand that most probably, I'd not say or create anything someone hadn't already done, and I accept that, but I will think, create and feel things that are new to me till I die.
I used to have so much hate and bitterness. I look at the same things that triggered and still trigger me with a kinder understanding. kinder towards the things, the people who created them and kinder towards me. And I only wish I keep growing in that direction.
I came a long way. my life is that video game that only I know about. it's so subtle and uneventful to any bystander, nobody cares about the plot, nobody cares if I made any progress. But I'll keep playing the shit out of it. not because I have to, because I get to.
I am proud of me, nobody has any idea on what has been happening for years now. I had wars on wars. But, I am finally winning.
I can't believe I even managed to log in here. I am not as helpless as I was anymore. far from it. And I am so grateful. I always had this belief that one day the things I know, the things I worked to understand would feel right. I've always been thinking, and because of that I gathered almost all what I needed to know to function like I want but it never felt right. and that's been iluding me for years and years. Now that `I have the pieces of the puzzle how can I make everything fall into place. it never felt right, it used to break me.
I understand now, you have to have faith. layers and layers of faith. take risks. accept your progress. adapt. be kind to yourself. all of these and way more were some of the notions I collected over the years. I understood what people mean by them but could never fit them quite right in my life. but now I do.
I am closer than ever and so so far. I understand without a doubt that everything is and isn't. that things are black and white and at the same time all grey. and that all concepts are right but so are their opposites. and that also none of them are right. I am closer than ever but so so far.
I realize that I am - in every meaning of the word - insignificant and that I am the most important thing ever created. I am both constantly right and wrong. I know everything and understand nothing. and that I understand everything but realize nothing.
I have to have constant faith in me without letting myself get deluded by it. and most importantly not lose my mind in the process of finding the balance between the two.
I understand that most probably, I'd not say or create anything someone hadn't already done, and I accept that, but I will think, create and feel things that are new to me till I die.
I used to have so much hate and bitterness. I look at the same things that triggered and still trigger me with a kinder understanding. kinder towards the things, the people who created them and kinder towards me. And I only wish I keep growing in that direction.
I came a long way. my life is that video game that only I know about. it's so subtle and uneventful to any bystander, nobody cares about the plot, nobody cares if I made any progress. But I'll keep playing the shit out of it. not because I have to, because I get to.
I am proud of me, nobody has any idea on what has been happening for years now. I had wars on wars. But, I am finally winning.
No comments:
Post a Comment